Live the Questions Now

An excerpt from the book I'm currently reading:

"Two years ago Ashley's live-in boyfriend abruptly moved out with little explanation. I remember her standing in our kitchen crying, going through her old text messages from him about how much he loved her, how he couldn't wait to marry her and have kids. She kept reading them, like little relics of a past life, and she didn't understand how she had crossed over into a new world of singleness. It was like she was arguing with the person who works at the ticket counter at the airport. 'No! I was scheduled for a wedding and pregnancy, but you've rerouted me to twenty-six and single!' And we all expect that some person behind a counter will just type a few buttons into their computer and hand us a new ticket. 'We're so sorry, ma'am.' And poof, we're back on track. But life can be so freaking absolute. It takes us a while to get that we will never be rerouted."~ Signs of Life, by Natalie Taylor

I like to be in charge. When I was little and my friends came over to play, I told them not only what we were going to play, but also exactly how we would play: what they would say, how they would say it, and where they would stand when they said it. I directed and delegated. I had a plan and I wanted things to go the way I saw would be best.

I also had a plan for life: high school, college, mission, boyfriend, career, marriage, family.

But somewhere in the unfolding of this plan, I felt as though I fell behind. That I had missed my boat and would never catch up. I couldn't sing as well as the girls who had been taking lessons since middle school. I didn't intern at a law firm between semesters. I didn't date lots of boys in college and the one boy I dated, I didn't marry. I haven't published any novels, recorded any albums, or become the first female president, yet.  

In the midst of an overwhelming feeling of I'm not cutting it as a human being, I will never amount to anything, my dad called and gave me a big wake up call (a.k.a. knocked some sense into me).

Here I am in the middle of an adventure: I'm performing, I'm inspiring kids, I'm seeing the world. And all I can think about are these imagined missed opportunities. "Acknowledge your accomplishments and be grateful for what the Lord has blessed you with," Dad said.

Oh, yeah... I tend to forget that I worked HARD to be accepted in a competitive program in school and then graduated earlier than expected. That I moved to a foreign country to serve a mission and while I was there I learned an entirely new language. That I support myself without any help by doing a job that I love. That I have health insurance! That I've been a true friend. That my life isn't even half-way finished and I still have plenty of time to climb as many mountains as I want. But I have got to stop and enjoy the views from the mountains I've already climbed.

So...this might mean that while I am planning and working hard and making choices, I'm not actually the one in charge. God has a plan for me. And part of trusting in His plan is believing that I'm following the path He has set before me. That includes being grateful for the present, acknowledging that He has answered my prayers, and having peace about the future.

This might mean that my life doesn't need to be rerouted. I may be RIGHT on track. In fact, I think I am. That's what faith is all about. Believing that God has led you to this moment, because you have loved Him and tried to follow Him. Because He loves you and has plans for you and knows what you need and what you will become. Heavenly Father is the guy behind the ticket counter, and He doesn't make mistakes. And because of the Savior, none of my mistakes can permanently derail me. The magic of it all is that somehow, Heavenly Father knew this would be my path and He's accounted for any rerouting I would be doing, so that actually it was all a part of the necessary route to begin with.

Are you following me here?

Bottom line: Faith means believing that you are living the best you can and that God wants you to be right where He has placed you. Cue: gratitude and contentment.

What to do when you realize your past has brought you to exactly where you need to be? When you understand that this moment is full of opportunity? How do you express gratitude and trust that the future holds even further fulfillment of your deepest desires?

For me, I took a little road trip on my days off this week.

I tried to live in the moment. I spoke to strangers. One of them bought me a sub sandwich  and said, "Welcome to Virginia, Miss Utah!" I closed my eyes and soaked up the sun. I walked into shops and took my time browsing.

And I stopped and took pictures of interesting things.

An adorable ancient man with shaky hands took this picture with my cell phone.

I held his hand in mine and looked him in the eyes and said, "Thank you."

Don't be so anxious about where you're going to end up that you don't notice where you are right now.

Enjoy every moment of this journey.

"...be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now." ~Rainer Maria Rilke