Post it without a picture if you have to

Hey there, world.

Yesterday, I read Steal Like an Artist, by Austin Kleon. I filled up six pages of notes and doodles in my notebook as my brain transferred the ideas I read into made-for-me inspiration and advice. The book rocks; you should definitely read it. But that's not what this post is about--this post is about being inspired, feeling the creative high positive ideas pump into your system, and then....not making anything, not sharing a piece of it with anyone.

It's 4:36 in the morning and I have a notebook full of ideas and a laptop with never-finished projects and a project room with the remnants of several crafts and planned but un-executed parties. I realized, daydreaming about all the amazing work I was going to create after this book gave me a kick in the pants, that nothing had really changed. I was still going to have a lot of ideas and never do anything about them, unless I actually did something about them this time around.

So, I wanted to write about how to do this, share some of the inspirational high. But I got caught up in ideas for a picture for the kind of post I thought was presentable to the internet. I looked through my phone's photo library, couldn't really find anything that would work, and then put the post idea on my list of post ideas. Which was basically consigning the idea to death by neglect.

Post me without a picture, my idea shrugged his little shoulders in my mind, and smiled at me hopefully. What's the worst that could happen; it doesn't have to be perfect, you know.

Smart little guy, this post idea in my head.

So here I am, writing about this experience. I don't have a photo, I don't have a clever way to make this post seem acceptable, or good, or worthy. It's certainly not perfect. But it exists! It's one more notch in the belt of WORK I've got to create if I ever want my creations to be as good as my taste. Let go of perfection and make things!

Let me tell a story from my past:

I lived in Korea as a missionary, and for 9 months had lunch at the same place four to five times a week. A woman named Ee Seung-Ah and her husband owned the restaurant, cooked the food, served the patrons. We became friends, I played with her children, she gave me trinkets and free desserts, we talked and cried and laughed together. When I left the country, she gave me a very personal gift (a book she loved as a child) and we exchanged contact information.

She wrote me an email, in Korean, and I responded immediately. I had learned to speak Korean by conversing with Korean people; writing was much more difficult and time-consuming.

She wrote me another email. I thought about the things I would say in my response, but felt overwhelmed by my inadequacies in the language. I put the task on my to-do list.

After some time, she wrote me a third email.

I never responded.

I always meant to.

Four years later, my husband sat down after church one Sunday and read an email from one of the families he had met during his own mission trip in Germany. He responded immediately. I told him about Seung-Ah and how much I missed her. How much I regretted abandoning her.

He told me to write a letter right then and there. Years after living in Korea. Now with even more limited grasp on the language. "Write it in English if you have to, just write it," he said.

I wrote.

She never responded.

I can't find her and I know I hurt her.

My perfectionism didn't kill an idea or a creative project; it let one of the most rewarding relationships I've ever had die.

So, my personal goal, is to go make things. Write letters. Share my ideas. Even before they're perfect, if that's the only way they'll come to fruition. I'd rather have a tangible attempt at the ideas I find valuable, than neglectfully file them away into oblivion, hoping for the day I can make them "perfect."

Do you have a book you want to write? Is there a cupcake business occupying your daydreams? Have you always wanted to design snowboards?

Is there a relationship you should nurture?

It might not be perfect, it might not be pretty. But I invite you to join me and just do it. Try. Just start writing. Make cupcakes for your next lunch meeting. Reach out to someone. Write a blog post. Post it without a picture if you have to.

The Best of You

This year I set out to become the best version of myself. It's May, folks, and it's taken me this long to really come up with some definitive answers to questions that have been crawling under my skin:
*What do I want to change about myself?
*How can I replace unhealthy habits with self-validation and self-faith (a term I've created to help answer the question...)?
*What do I need to do to close the gap between where I am and where I want to be?
*What assumptions about myself should I challenge in order to accomplish my dreams?
*Do I really believe in myself?
*Am I living according to what I believe, or do I believe things I know aren't true?
*Where the heck do I want to be in 5 years?
*What makes me happiest?
*How can I fulfill my greatest purposes and potential?
*What is my true passion?
*If I knew I could not fail, what would I pursue?
*Is it worth giving up mediocrity in order to be the greatest you can be?

It's been many pre-dawn drives through various parts of the country and evenings spent reading in hotel lobbies that provided ample opportunity to ponder, study and meditate. I've come up with specific goals, actions, and even had some try-and-fail-and-learn experiences. I've read a lot more memoirs and non-fiction than usual. I'm studying the scriptures and praying more sincerely.

I'm definitely happier....and I have a much clearer picture of who I am, who I want to be, what I can do, what I will do...I know myself better than ever.

Before I lose you with all this me, me, me talk, let's lay down the validity of knowing thine own self, and how I got started on this journey.

With this new amazing job, came lots of travel and lots of adventure and...lots of quiet, alone time. And more time than I was used to having available for fun, rest, people, reading, sleeping, exercising.
Whereas most people tell me, frequently, that they would just kill for more time to do all the things they want to do...I was distraught by the emptiness of my calendar. Despite the fulfilling and life-changing job I have.

It was a big wake-up call to me. I used a hectic, over-the-top schedule as a means of validation. I loved telling people how busy I was, it made me feel important because I was doing more and better than everyone else. I loved when people asked me, "How do you do it all??"

It's hard for me to accept that I can accomplish meaningful, important work and still have time to indulge in other worthwhile activities, like exercising, without being crazy-stressed out.

Plus, due to the traveling and moving to a new state all by myself, I felt my habitual solitude in a new acute way without a busy, demanding to-do list to distract myself.
Painful truth to accept: I was hiding behind accomplishments and schedules because I felt inferior, timid and out of place in social situations.

Okay, so I had some work to do on me.  And luckily, I had plenty of me-time on hand.

As an incredibly self-critical person, there have been some rough moments and some uncalled-for self-dislike. But I've also had delightful, even blissful, times when I was just so happy with who I was and thankful to be me.

During one night, after analyzing yet another vice I wanted to kick to the curb, my dad called me and we talked about facing your demons. I explained that I was attempting to replace my obsession with a past relationship with a healthier, future-based perspective. "I have a lot of time to spend with myself, which gets lonely sometimes, but it is helping me to truly be the person I want to be instead of numbing my life with television, boy-drama, and work," I told him.

He said, "That is good, Daughter. Most people don't spend time a lot of time with themselves. It's brave to do that."

He made me feel pretty good about the whole me, me, me thing.

Anyway. Like I said, I've defined specific areas I want to focus on to increase my ability to live a life of integrity, passion, and happiness. I want to stop making excuses and dare to actually be the best version of myself.

So, of course, it's time to blog about the next portion of the journey. I'll be posting about how I'm tackling this task.

And on that note, I will close with these words of President Gordon B. Hinckley:

"The sky is the limit. You can be excellent in every way. You can be first class. There is no need for you to be a scrub. Respect yourself. Do not feel sorry for yourself...Polish and refine whatever talents the Lord has given you. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life and look for its opportunities, and forever and always be loyal to the church. Never forget that you came to earth as a child of the divine Father, with something of divinity in your very makeup. The Lord did not send you here to fail. He did not give you life to waste it. He bestowed upon you the gift of mortality that you might gain experience--positive, wonderful, purposeful experience--that will lead to life eternal...You are a daughter of God with tremendous potential. He has great expectations concerning you, as do others. You cannot let down for a minute. You cannot give in to an impulse. There must be discipline, strong and unbending. Flee from temptation, as Joseph fled from the wiles of Potiphar's wife. There is nothing in all this world as magnificent as virtue. It glows without tarnish. It is precious and beautiful. It is above price. It cannot be bought or sold. It is the fruit of self-mastery...Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly. Observe this commandment with diligence and discipline. Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God...Find purpose in your life. Choose the things you would like to do, and educate yourself to be effective in their pursuit...Study your options. Pray to the Lord earnestly for direction. Then pursue your course with resolution...There is not anything that you cannot do if you will set your mind to it. Serve society and make a significant contribution to the world...There will be difficulties to overcome. BUt they will not last forever. He will not forsake you. Do not be discouraged; God is over all...Know that He is watching over you, that He hears your prayers and will answer them, that He loves you and will make that love manifest. Let the Holy Spirit guide you in all that you do as you look to become the kind of woman of whom you dream. You can do it. You are a daughter of the Almighty. Limitless is your potential. Magnificent is your future, if you will take control of it. Do not let your life drift in a fruitless and worthless manner. Be Grateful. Be Smart. Be Clean. Be True. Be Humble. Be Prayerful. These patterns of behavior will yield success and happiness and peace...Pattern your life accordingly."

My dream last night

He came and sat next to me and he was distant, keeping his eyes forward. His lips were set, he breathed out his nostrils. His hair was combed. "You look nice," I said and I hestitatingly touched his shirt, his shoulder, then took my hand back to myself. He didn't move away. I suddenly felt brave and I kissed his shoulder, quick, nervous. "Why are you being so nice?" he asked me. His voice! I pressed my face into his neck and I could taste his salty damp skin and said, "I'm not mad at you anymore." Then, with the way dreams skip time, it was later. We got ready for a nap and we laid down together, facing the same direction. I intertwined my fingers with his and held his beautiful, beautiful hand and I kissed his arm three times, up into the crease of his elbow, and I snuggled down against him and fell asleep happy and at peace.