Cultivate a distinctive appearance

 

Being the best version of yourself, for me, includes feeling great about your appearance. Sometimes, acting the way we want to feel actually changes the way you feel. A good hair day and a new outfit makes me feel more confident, happier and energetic.

There are dozens of studies {including this one} that show a person's attire wholly affects their performance of tasks and the way they perceive themselves. Thus, the college student taking a calculus exam while wearing flannel bottoms and a sweatshirt could achieve a better grade had he worn slacks and a tie. Our minds acknowledge how we feel (which is intimately reflected by and influenced by how we are dressed) and then we act accordingly. An ensemble is a filter for the situations you encounter throughout the day.

I wear a "costume" for work; I wear black yoga pants at the gym; I come home and throw on my sweats. Unless I'm going out, I hardly ever do my hair, put on mascara, wear jewelery.

And so...I had been feeling a bit scrubbish.

My stepmom encouraged me to get up and get dressed each and every day. Her reasoning: "If you met the man of your dreams, a casting director looking for a new face, or a potential client, you'd want to look your best. Going out when you look scroungy is like telling yourself today is not the day any of those good things may happen. You don't expect them to happen and you won't be prepared if they do. But if you look like a million bucks, you'll be looking for the opportunities because you feel ready for them. And when they come, you'll feel confident instead of trying to hide the stain on your t-shirt or wishing you had put makeup on."

So I've been doing that. Even when I have no particular place to go, I've gotten fully dressed and then headed over to the Barnes and Noble near my house to answer emails and write, etc. (activities previously done in my apartment where pants are optional). And bonus--when I got short-notice invites to go out, I didn't decline because I wasn't ready and had no time to shower; I was already all ready (see what I did there with the wordy-word thing?) and I just walked out the door to meet the group.

It feels great. And fresh.

Real talk: we all know looking good helps us make great first impressions and that our appearance teaches people what to expect from us. Creating a personal brand helps people categorize and appreciate what you bring to the party (in your professional and personal circles). However, another very important reason to go the extra mile to cultivate your own style and look great is the resulting pep in your own step because you feel like a million bucks. I bought this outfit so I would be excited about getting dressed up and wore it the day I taught Sunday School in a room full of my peers. 

Look good, feel good: check.

Bit of extra confidence: check.

Bright, yellow skirt-induced grin: check 

The whole day totally rocked =)

Be kind to strangers

Step three of my resolution to connect with people is to heighten my awareness of the people around me throughout the day: the clerk at the gas station, the custodian in the back of the school gym, the lady browsing next to me at the book store.
I'm actually pretty good at being nice to people I don't know; some time ago, I decided to make it my personal mission to smile at every person I saw and do my part to be the bright spot in their day. This, and the fact that my grandma always says I have the words "I'm friendly--talk to me!" tattooed on my forehead, has led to some great conversations with strangers in grocery stores, at the movies, and especially with waiters while eating out.

That said....
...recently I've noticed I  may smile and be pleasant, but I don't always make an effort to make a connection. Particularly on the airplane, I've become more attached to my personal routine: write in my journal, drink some water so I don't get a headache, plug in my ipod and close my eyes. Ahhhhh.
While I've been making an effort to reconnect with my family and friends and make new friends, too, the idea that some pretty amazing people are crossing my path every day kept popping up in my head. So I tried to initiate more conversations, compliment people more frequently, and ask more questions when I was near people I'd normally just walk past.
This was fun. I've had the chance to help people carry things to their car or offer directions. One lady in Barnes and Noble asked me about the book I was carrying (it was the Book of Mormon). My days were much richer and interesting once I started reaching out to the people around me, usually for just a few brief seconds. Three stories to share results:

1. Waiting to board the plane in St. Louis, I noticed a young guy hanging with his buddies, with a huge smile on his face. It was nice to see someone totally jazzed and excited about their conversation (turns out they were talking about a conference they had just attended at NASA in Houston). Later, when we were in line boarding the plane, I overheard them talking about boarding passes and traveling, so I turned around and jumped into the conversation. We talked for a few minutes, laughing and joking. Then the lady in front of me turned around and joined us, as well. By the time we were all seated, we were all smiling and had all made connections.
Wait, there's more! The young guy ended up sitting across the isle from me on the same row. He showed me his pictures from the space conference thing, and then we started talking about politics, the environment, and why it's important to have convictions in life. He asked me what I thought happens after we die. I told him about the Plan of Salvation and invited him to church that Sunday, because I would be speaking during Sacrament meeting.
HE CAME! (His name is John; super cute kid who wants to work for NASA one day)
If I had never jumped into that conversation, we wouldn't have had a great talk about life and how to live it, and he wouldn't have visited my church, where we had a great time.
Connection: made.

2. The next week, I was flying to Denver and sat next to a very handsome man in his early thirties (Yay! I feel like I only see 20-year-old college guys or 45+ business guys on planes, bummer for a single gal like me). He had no wedding ring, lots of dark, wavy Prince Eric hair. I wanted to talk to him.
He wouldn't have it.
I asked about his ring.
He answered succinctly that it was his family crest.
Where was his family from?
North Carolina.
Does everyone in the family have one?
Just the men.
I complimented it, to which I received a nod and silence.
Later, I asked about what he was working on, I shared something funny I had just read...finally, I just closed my eyes and slept a little.
As we were getting off the plane, for the first time he flashed me a big grin (my heart stopped--his smile made him about 300 times more beautiful) and said, "Hope you have a great week."
And then he was gone.
Was this a failed attempt??
No. I didn't get annoying, but I was able to be a little more friendly than just ignoring him from the moment I sat down.
Plus, who knows what kind of stress he's under, whether he has a fiance at home, or if he just had a pounding headache...it aint no thing that he didn't want to carry on a conversation with a stranger. I'm just proud of myself for being aware of the people around me. (I wouldn't mind if more handsome, North Carolina men whose families own farmland cropped up in the future.)

3. Last night, walking to my car after a casual pool party, a guy blasting Skrillex pulled in and parked. Skrillex fans are rare to just happen upon, especially if you're not a partier who loves raves (I'm not). I was excited to have a connection with this guy. So, I knocked on his car window and said hi. He rolled the window down (facial expression was a bit wary...). We talked about music for a little while. The guy, Kevin, was very nice. And then I went home. Another connection made that added a bit of happiness to my evening. 

Making New Friends

Epicurus said, "Of all the things that wisdom provides for living one's entire life in happiness, the greatest by far is the possession of friendship."

I read that quote in the book I just finished, The Happiness Project. (Go ahead, read it, it's great.)
The author, Gretchen Rubin, spent a year researching her own happiness and seeking to improve it by keeping monthly resolutions...sort of down the same alley as my current project.
I like what she had to say about staying connected with people:
"Not only does having strong relationships make it far more likely that you take joy in life, but studies show that it also lengthens life (incredibly, even more than stopping smoking), boosts immunity, and cuts the risk of depression. To keep lonliness at bay, you need at least one close relationship with someone in whom you can confide (not just a pal with whom you talk about impersonal subjects...); you also need a relationship network, which helps provide a sense of identity and self-esteem and in which you can give and receive support" (pg 142).

So step two for bringing about more connections in my life: Make new friends.
This is tough for me, but I've been a good sport about it for the last little while. Things I've done to make new friends this year, that I wouldn't have done without the resolution to do so:
1. When I meet people at church, I ask for their phone number and suggest we do something sometime.
2. When those people asked me out to pizza, a church dance, a movie...I actually went.
3. At said event, when other people mentioned they were going to be doing a service project on Saturday, or heading to a baseball game next, or meeting up that week for a BBQ, I just went ahead and invited myself. "I'd love to come, where is it?" I said. And then I showed up. This is also how I ended up seeing The Avengers on a Saturday morning with four marines I'd met the night before.
4. I even went to a singles' conference an hour drive away
5. And on my way home from the conference, I went to play Capture the Flag on UNC campus, even though running around at night is totally not my thing (I want to like to do this, because it sounds fun and sporty, but I just don't.)

And, yet, I still spent many nights at home, reading....

"What's wrong with me? I'm a nice girl, and I'm putting myself out there," I pouted to my dad.
"Well, making new friends takes time. All the times you're going out and meeting people is great, and the more you do that, you'll eventually start being around the same people often enough that they become closer friends," he told me.
Turns out, he was right.

Last week after church, I jumped into yet another, "Hey, my name is Jessica? We haven't met before. What do you do?" conversations with the person next to me. Her name was Brittani. Turns out, we kindred spirits. Ann and Brittani and I struck up a conversation about some common interests (writing, music and food). As we talked, we agreed that we would be very good friends and should make plans. Well, I was going to be in Denver all week, plans would have to wait until I came back.

But during the week, I texted both of them (haha, this sounds like an intense dating-advice play-by-play column).
On Saturday, I ran into Britt, another girl I had met at church, at the mall, and said hello (normally, I may have just walked the other way...I know, I am ridiculous with my avoid-people-antics).

That led to me talking with Britt again at church the next day, which led to a group of us all hanging out.

Ann was there, too, so we sat around talking and catching up, because that's what friends do. Ann mentioned she wants to go to the Alfred Hitchcock film festival this week. I would love to go, too! And could we meet up to get frozen yogurt afterward, Krista wanted to know.
Making friends leads to having more and more friends.

I was already pretty stinkin' happy about the way this make-friends-ball was finally starting to roll when Jenny, a girl I had totally admired and tried to get to know more, came up to me and said, "Jessica, I want to be your friend. I'm just going to put that out there. Can I have your number?"
Elizabeth, who was sitting next to us during the class, said, "Me, too." After she got my number, she invited me to dinner with some guys in the ward I didn't know.
So, now even more friends leading to dinners where we can make more friends.
Bam. I'm getting better at this as we go!

I will keep you updated with some of the esapades I embark upon with all of these new friends. Sadly, I am leaving North Carolina in two weeks. Gladly, I'll be back in the Fall, so we can pick up where we left off and take things to the next (friend) level, if that's a thing.

Tips for making friends when you're the new kid:
1. Like yourself and assume people would want to be your friend. Smile a lot.
2. Remember that other people are just as awkward and shy about making new friends, too. Someone has to be the one to invite the other person to do something, and if they've already got their group of regular friends, they're not going to think to call you up unless they're aware that you're available to join.
3. Invite people to do things with you. More often than not they'll say, "Oh, actually some of us are getting together to see a movie tonight. Do you want to come to that?"
4. Find ways to start a mid-week conversation. Sometimes, I'll send a text that says, "Hey, I hope you have fun at that _________ you have going on tonight!" It's short, it's simple, it shows the person you were thinking of them. (If you're like me, you're scoffing, "I can't send a random message to someone I don't even know. They'd think it was weird." Wrong. They think you like them, and people like people who like them. If they don't want a new friend as cool as you, then you really don't want to be friends with them, either.)

Connect with People

Chad, Troy and me out to dinner after work one day; just say Yes! when you have an opportunity to connect with people^^

It is not good for man to be alone, I know.

And yet, I have a tendency to go to movies, eat at restaraunts, read in Barnes & Noble by myself. I like relishing  fun outings in my own company....

...and, oh yeah, I get nervous making new friends or inviting people I know to come along.

For a friendly, outgoing person, I am super silly about asking people to do things.

I always think, "I can't just invite someone to do something! What would we do??"

As part of my Be The Best Version of Myself project, I wanted to connect with people.

That meant three things:

1. Reconnecting with people to strengthn relationships with current friends and family

2. Making new friends

3. Being present and kind to strangers

Why make an effort to connect with the people in my life?

Reading the latest issue of one of my favorite magazines, Success, I came across this little gem while flying to Denver this week: "Social connection is the key to happiness, all the experts agree. In fact, meta-analyses of happiness studies show that, above all, the quantity and quality of our personal relationships with friends, family and acquaintances determine our spirits. People who have healthy bonds--and enjoy frequent quality time--with family and friends are much likelier to be happy...It follows, then, that if you want to be happier, you've got to nuture your social relationships."

After I read that, I opened up the contact list in my phone and texted a personal message to every person with whom I wanted to have a closer relationship, but for whatever reason--I was too busy, living in another state, I was shy and thought they might not want to be close friends--I hadn't recently contacted.

I had excellent responses, and some really great conversations sparked by those messages. It reaffirmed an idea that I had been trying to convince myself was true: people like you.

Does anyone else assume that they have to win people over, that for whatever reason people probably won't like you unless you try really, really hard?

I don't know why I feel like that, but I've realized it isn't true;

people do like me, genuinely.

I've just got to reach out and be friendly and they'll respond.

I also called several people just to catch up and left messages if they didn't answer.

A few of them returned my phone calls, including a professor from college and an old roommate.

Our talks made my day feel special, I had more energy, and I felt excited....all because I had connected with people I cared about--but I wouldn't normally speak with unless I ran into them somehow.

Since that day I've made it sort of a rule of thumb to send a quick message to anyone who might pop into my head. This resolve has resulted in a lot more phone calls with my youngest brother, texting my step-mother, and I sent cards to some other family members. Reaching out, no excuses, has brought me closer to even the people I was already closest with.

I took this challenge a step further.

My freshman roommate Holly lives in South Carolina with her husband and two children. I just moved to North Carolina...we were living closer than we had in years and yet, I hadn't even called her to tell her.

I called her one day and asked her if I could come visit for the night. It was a long drive, but if I could stay the night at her house, I'd be able to come for the afternoon and then leave the next morning for work.

At first, I almost didn't follow through with the idea. What if she didn't have time for my visit and I made her feel obligated? What would we talk about after all these years? We've only had the occasional phone conversation, would we still have fun together? Am I imposing upon her time with her kids and her husband?

Real talk: people like being remembered and imposition is often overly exaggerated in my mind. I bought her daughter a toy and drove down.

Holly and me just before her wedding about five years ago.

She was delighted to have me visit. I got to play with both of her kids, we went out to dinner, her husband blew up the air mattress for me, and we laughed and talked with ease. It was great. Plus, we've spoken much more frequently since then. Friendship: strengthened.

I had such a great experience with Holly, I decided to take the time to try to reconnect with my friend Barb when I would be working in Colorado this last week. We performed in the same summer stock theatre in 2005, but I hadn't really seen her since then.

I left her a Facebook message and was disappointed when she told me that she no longer lived in Colorado, she had moved to Oregon.

But wait for it....she happened to be visiting her family in Colorado the very week I would be there for work. And what's more, she would be visiting because her brother was coming home from his mission in Pusan, Korea, the very same mission I served in 2 years ago. How great would it be to talk to him about the mission??

Barb, far left, and me, far right, as dancing courtesans many, many years ago.

I had a lovely time.

She made dinner, I met her family, her two kids (do all my old friends have two kids now??), we played with yo-yos out on the lawn. We snuck outside in the dark after dinner with her aunt to eat cake-pops; we were hiding from the kids because there weren't enough left to share. As we sat on the stoop chewing chocolate cake, laughing, and trying to be quiet simultaneously, I thought, "I am so glad I didn't miss this. This is great."

And Barb actually surprised me; she told me that she had always wanted to be closer friends with me but had had many of the same mental roadblocks I encountered when I thought about reaching out to people.

We had a great conversation that went deep into the night, and we promised to be in touch more often.

It enriched the entire trip.

The Best of You

This year I set out to become the best version of myself. It's May, folks, and it's taken me this long to really come up with some definitive answers to questions that have been crawling under my skin:
*What do I want to change about myself?
*How can I replace unhealthy habits with self-validation and self-faith (a term I've created to help answer the question...)?
*What do I need to do to close the gap between where I am and where I want to be?
*What assumptions about myself should I challenge in order to accomplish my dreams?
*Do I really believe in myself?
*Am I living according to what I believe, or do I believe things I know aren't true?
*Where the heck do I want to be in 5 years?
*What makes me happiest?
*How can I fulfill my greatest purposes and potential?
*What is my true passion?
*If I knew I could not fail, what would I pursue?
*Is it worth giving up mediocrity in order to be the greatest you can be?

It's been many pre-dawn drives through various parts of the country and evenings spent reading in hotel lobbies that provided ample opportunity to ponder, study and meditate. I've come up with specific goals, actions, and even had some try-and-fail-and-learn experiences. I've read a lot more memoirs and non-fiction than usual. I'm studying the scriptures and praying more sincerely.

I'm definitely happier....and I have a much clearer picture of who I am, who I want to be, what I can do, what I will do...I know myself better than ever.

Before I lose you with all this me, me, me talk, let's lay down the validity of knowing thine own self, and how I got started on this journey.

With this new amazing job, came lots of travel and lots of adventure and...lots of quiet, alone time. And more time than I was used to having available for fun, rest, people, reading, sleeping, exercising.
Whereas most people tell me, frequently, that they would just kill for more time to do all the things they want to do...I was distraught by the emptiness of my calendar. Despite the fulfilling and life-changing job I have.

It was a big wake-up call to me. I used a hectic, over-the-top schedule as a means of validation. I loved telling people how busy I was, it made me feel important because I was doing more and better than everyone else. I loved when people asked me, "How do you do it all??"

It's hard for me to accept that I can accomplish meaningful, important work and still have time to indulge in other worthwhile activities, like exercising, without being crazy-stressed out.

Plus, due to the traveling and moving to a new state all by myself, I felt my habitual solitude in a new acute way without a busy, demanding to-do list to distract myself.
Painful truth to accept: I was hiding behind accomplishments and schedules because I felt inferior, timid and out of place in social situations.

Okay, so I had some work to do on me.  And luckily, I had plenty of me-time on hand.

As an incredibly self-critical person, there have been some rough moments and some uncalled-for self-dislike. But I've also had delightful, even blissful, times when I was just so happy with who I was and thankful to be me.

During one night, after analyzing yet another vice I wanted to kick to the curb, my dad called me and we talked about facing your demons. I explained that I was attempting to replace my obsession with a past relationship with a healthier, future-based perspective. "I have a lot of time to spend with myself, which gets lonely sometimes, but it is helping me to truly be the person I want to be instead of numbing my life with television, boy-drama, and work," I told him.

He said, "That is good, Daughter. Most people don't spend time a lot of time with themselves. It's brave to do that."

He made me feel pretty good about the whole me, me, me thing.

Anyway. Like I said, I've defined specific areas I want to focus on to increase my ability to live a life of integrity, passion, and happiness. I want to stop making excuses and dare to actually be the best version of myself.

So, of course, it's time to blog about the next portion of the journey. I'll be posting about how I'm tackling this task.

And on that note, I will close with these words of President Gordon B. Hinckley:

"The sky is the limit. You can be excellent in every way. You can be first class. There is no need for you to be a scrub. Respect yourself. Do not feel sorry for yourself...Polish and refine whatever talents the Lord has given you. Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in your heart. Love life and look for its opportunities, and forever and always be loyal to the church. Never forget that you came to earth as a child of the divine Father, with something of divinity in your very makeup. The Lord did not send you here to fail. He did not give you life to waste it. He bestowed upon you the gift of mortality that you might gain experience--positive, wonderful, purposeful experience--that will lead to life eternal...You are a daughter of God with tremendous potential. He has great expectations concerning you, as do others. You cannot let down for a minute. You cannot give in to an impulse. There must be discipline, strong and unbending. Flee from temptation, as Joseph fled from the wiles of Potiphar's wife. There is nothing in all this world as magnificent as virtue. It glows without tarnish. It is precious and beautiful. It is above price. It cannot be bought or sold. It is the fruit of self-mastery...Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly. Observe this commandment with diligence and discipline. Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God...Find purpose in your life. Choose the things you would like to do, and educate yourself to be effective in their pursuit...Study your options. Pray to the Lord earnestly for direction. Then pursue your course with resolution...There is not anything that you cannot do if you will set your mind to it. Serve society and make a significant contribution to the world...There will be difficulties to overcome. BUt they will not last forever. He will not forsake you. Do not be discouraged; God is over all...Know that He is watching over you, that He hears your prayers and will answer them, that He loves you and will make that love manifest. Let the Holy Spirit guide you in all that you do as you look to become the kind of woman of whom you dream. You can do it. You are a daughter of the Almighty. Limitless is your potential. Magnificent is your future, if you will take control of it. Do not let your life drift in a fruitless and worthless manner. Be Grateful. Be Smart. Be Clean. Be True. Be Humble. Be Prayerful. These patterns of behavior will yield success and happiness and peace...Pattern your life accordingly."

Perfect Afternoon

These are the kinds of times I like.
I've got some time before my next show.
I've parked the brand new Ford Explorer rental atop a red rock cliff overlooking Colorado Springs.
It's warm and sunshiney
and yet it's raining.
Thick, heavy raindrops that explode when they pummel into the windshield.
And I'm reading a good book.
So perfectly content and happy in this moment.

Best of Radio

Happy songs

that put a smile on my face

as I drive across America.

I don't love this video, but the song makes me feel

nostalgic in a happy-about-the-future way.

Silly and fun to sing along to.

The Pink Elephant and other random friends

Well, hello giant pink elephant.

Yes, I think I shall exit the freeway

and visit your antique mall.

Big, round, green flying saucer.

Bicycle, large.

Godzilla, for sale.

Super-sized Ken doll, with icecream cone.

Visiting Popey's hometown

I was driving back to St. Louis to catch a flight and saw this sign.

I stopped to visit Popey the Sailorman.

The original comic strip he appeared in was called "Thimle Theatre,"

named for a community theatre where E.C. Segar worked.

There are murals about town.

And statues of the characters.

A quaint town full of fun history,

so happy I stumbled upon it.

Chester, Illinois

The Mississippi River.